My kids got in the car the other day after school, and were humming this familiar tune, and it reminded me of this whole album that I used to sing to Judah when he was so sick.
So naturally I turned it on, and turned it on loudly. It was just what I needed, as this week has felt a bit heavy to me, and until that moment, I couldn’t quite figure out why.
This looming diagnosis for Judah has been taking a toll on me. On my heart, on my mind… all the fears and unknowns, and comments from kind-hearted people who mean well.
We don’t know if Judah has Cerebral Palsy, but it has been heavily suggested by several Dr’s that know Judah well. And to be totally honest, it breaks my heart. But we still have to wait. And in the waiting, I can feel my heart healing, and my spirit being taught something so deep.
Here’s the thing that this moment of silly worship in my van with my elementary-school-aged kids (cause God can use ANYBODY) taught me…
I believed God for a healthy pregnancy. I believed God for a full-term baby. I believed God for so much that DIDN’T happen. And that hasn’t made me doubt Him one bit.
Cause His plans have been, and always were better than mine.
I’m NOT saying at all or by any way that God ’caused’ Judah to come early, but what I am saying is that He works ALL THINGS together for the GOOD of those who love Him (Romans 8). And that I wouldn’t trade any of these last 2 years for anything. ANYTHING.
So yes, in the same way that I believed with all my might, and prayed and trusted God for all those things with Judah- its the same way I’m applying my faith to this diagnosis that is to come… whatever it may or may not be. I believe God can and will heal Judah’s brain. I’ve seen Him do COUNTLESS miracles, so I know He can do it again. I also know He is powerful enough to heal 2 brain bleeds in a MOMENT.
But I also know THIS- God can work in and through anybody, with any diagnosis or disability or prognosis.
I know that God is the GIVER of every GOOD and PERFECT gift, and that if we seek to see with heavenly eyes, that we will see a gift in everything.
As we continued listening to that album, I remembered this song which was one of my favourites. One of the verses says this…
‘Far be it from me to not believe, even when my eyes can’t see…
And this mountain that’s in front of me, can be thrown into the midst of the sea.’
I admit, I have been looking at the results of Judah’s brain bleeds as a huge mountain in front of me. It’s overwhelming to say the least. I can’t see over it sometimes. But I’ve come to realize that this mountain? Its not always the diagnosis, but rather the way I have been seeing the diagnosis, and the fears that come from the unknown.
I have to remind myself that fear is ‘false-evidence-appearing-real’. Its NOT reality.
Sometimes the mountain that’s in front of us, isn’t the diagnosis itself, but rather our perspective of it.
We take this life with Judah day by day. And we come to know more and more people each day living with this or that diagnosis, who give us SO MUCH HOPE.
And we continue to pray. Always, And trust and lean on God. And thank HIM for the moments where the burdens get put onto Him and He makes life all the lighter for us.
So in case you are wondering, the details of Judah’s development are an ever-evolving picture. Right now he is showing pretty clear signs of CP, which I have also come to learn is a very wide-range condition. As always, we will keep you posted as we wait for Judah to be seen by the CP Clinic at Children’s Hospital. For now, we continue with therapies of all kinds, and lots and lots and lots of snuggles. This kid blows our minds, and grows our hearts DAILY.
It is well with us. It is ALWAYS well.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY Steph Schulz